Between God And Me

Am I bad or evil if I question the works of God? and that I only have a minimal relationship with Him?

I've been raised by my parents with only a minimal relationship with God. We seldom go to church (which now, I rarely go to), and we seldom pray together.
I can remember though that my Mom taught me how to pray, like how to make the sign of the cross with the 3 images of God. I've been taught that praying is the way to communicate with God, to ask forgiveness and to ask for guidance.

As I go with my daily life, I believe that I take all responsibility of my self. I'm not an Atheist or an Antichrist or whatever you may call it... but I classify myself as Agnostic. I believe that there is a higher being, but I'm just not that dedicated to religion, the church, or even have a constant relationship with God. I just strongly believe that I have been given freewill and that I should take great responsibility on whatever choices that I/I will make.

What confuses me though is, when will you know that the things that happened in your life are the plans of God? When will you know that the things that happened are just the consequence of the choices you've made?

Sometimes I have little guilts whenever I try to ask the works and teachings of God, and I think it's because we have been raised not to doubt the words of God. It somehow feels wrong, but is it wrong to wonder or ask?
But haven't we all been in this path before? like being torn as being "scientific" or religious? Maybe some would say yes, and maybe some have repressed it because they've been told it's wrong. I just believe that when you try to question or wonder, you want to know more and at the end of that knowledge, it's up to you what your belief would turn to be. You have to question before you commit to an idea or a belief.

As to my stand on where I am today, I believe that there is indeed a higher being... But I believe that God doesn't strongly imply what he wants to happen in my life (our lives). If he implies what is indeed His plan, then what is freewill for? Life is all about making choices, you have to make a choice and create your own path/action.

So to the people who blames it to others, and even to God, don't you think that you are being self-righteous? What about the things you've chosen to do? the plans or actions you've made? Don't you think that what you have now is the consequence or the result of the choices you've made?

I really don't get it when people starts to say "This is the will of God" or "I surrender because this is what God wants to happen in my life". Is it because they have totally surrendered their freewill to God (like the nuns, priests, and the pastors)? Or is it because the challenge is so hard that they are left to cling on to God?

In the People Of The Lie, Peck said that people surrender their will either to God or goodness or to evil. I cannot say that I have surrendered myself to God nor to evil, but I know goodness, and that is what guides me the most... As long as I'm not doing any kind of harm to the people around me, and as long as I know my place during misunderstandings (mistakes), I'm okay.

I just want to add this :

I don't want to bash or anything, and I believe what I speak is true since this is what I have observed first handedly... Some people in a very religious clan* are most of the time active in church and that is very good... but whenever they are out of the church, they seem like they haven't heard the good teachings of God. They do harm to their neighbors (like back biting, destroying the image of another person), they hold grudges... and so on. Don't you think it's time to reflect on what you are really doing?

I am not saying that I am right, because if I will emphasize or imply on to myself that I am indeed right, then I will not be able to open my mind to what's more. Maybe it's okay to say, I am still learning things... I cannot force myself to submit to God when I am not ready. Sometimes I need a little push, but most of the time I feel like, "just let me find my way towards Him".

Anyway, I have mentioned a few questions above, so if you have opinions or a few verses you want to share, please feel free to write me a comment. Just don't start a "discussion" that I'm bad and that I should find the light. Hehehe. I don't want that kind of argument. If you want to enlighten me, then at least explain yourself by not forcing me to change.

* religion
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